Forever Present
by JantoJones
Summary: Fear has always been present for Illya.


**_Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear the most ~ Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky._**

Change was something which had long since ceased to induce fear in Illya Nickovitch Kuryakin. At least, he had thought so. As he stood in front of Del Floria's Tailor Shop, which was the entrance to the New York headquarters of U.N.C.L.E., Illya felt something he hadn't known in a long time. His chest constricted, his stomach churned, and he felt colder than a Siberian winter. When he'd stepped from the plane, onto American soil, the fear had tried to emerge then. Illya had pushed it back, telling himself he had nothing to be afraid of. He may be a Soviet, but he was an invited Soviet. He was also already an U.N.C.L.E. agent, and this was merely a change of headquarters. He really had nothing to fear; not when compared to the events of his life until that point.

The first eight years of Illya's life were, to him, idyllic. Looking back, he realised it must have been difficult for his parents to keep his family fed and clothed, but he was ignorant to the hardship. His memories were of freedom and joy. Then the war had come, and young Illya had learned, for the first time, what true fear was.

By the end of the conflict, he was alone. His father had been killed fighting, his grandmother was taken by a harsh winter, and his mother and sisters had been murdered by the Nazis. He had found himself learning how to survive on the streets of Kiev. Fighting for whatever food could be found. It was on these streets where he became afraid of dogs. They weren't the playful animals he had known in the village. These were wild, and lethal.

The children of the street were eventually rounded up and sent to state run orphanages, and into the State School system. They were cold, imposing places where fear was actively encouraged. The teachers believed that fear was the greatest of educational tools. Illya was never in a school longer than six months. His disruptive nature always got him into trouble, but luckily for him, he had been identified as highly intelligent. This alone had saved him from an unthinkable fate.

It had been decided, by those who look out for potentially useful people, that the boy needed to learn proper discipline. At the age of 16, he was sent into the navy, and Illya's life changed again. He had no idea what his life would be like on a submarine, but he hadn't allowed his fears to overwhelm him. Illya had survived the war, and the school system. As far as he was concerned, there was little point to fear anyway. He had observed several of his fellow recruits almost frozen in terror, and had concluded that fear would only get you killed quicker.

Despite his almost crippling seasickness, he excelled and, in time, became the youngest lieutenant in the Russian navy. This brought him to the attention of the KGB, who monitored him for a while before approaching him with an offer. In exchange for his service to them, they would pay for his higher education.

Leaving Russia, to live and study in Paris, brought a slight resurgence in his buried fear; but it didn't last long. For the first time, Illya experienced a little freedom. He knew it was basically an illusion, and he was aware that he was being watched almost constantly. It didn't really matter him. On those days he had to himself, the Russian discovered jazz, and was instantly enamoured. The music transported him to a place where fear was unknown. Once he graduated from the Sorbonne, Illya was accepted at Cambridge in England. It was here where U.N.C.L.E. became interested. By this point Illya had long since accepted that his life was not his own, so when Moscow made a deal with U. .E., he moved to London; after attending Survival school.

On Survival Island, Jules Cutter had done his utmost to break the 'Commie', but he didn't stand a chance. After everything he'd lived through, Cutter held no fear for the young Russian.

His time in London was short and, despite Beldon's megalomaniacal tendencies, was actually a lot of fun. Illya once again found himself in a place where he could excel, and he did. He gained his degrees and proved himself an exceptional field agent. That was when the call came from New York. Waverly wanted the gifted young man in his own arsenal.

So here he was, standing outside the entrance of the tailor's shop. U.N.C.L.E. was an international, non-partisan organisation, but he knew most of the people within would be Americans. How would they feel about the supposed 'enemy' stepping into their territory? Inhaling deeply, Illya wrestled with his fears and pushed them away. He couldn't allow anyone to see his insecurities or vulnerabilities.

Taking another deep breath, Illya stepped into Del Floria's and went to meet the future.


End file.
